Holy Crap

Oh, see, it's already off the rails. Bad me. BAD. Okay, that's better. I'm really wanting to make a change, even more so since a friend on Facebook posted this picture... Man, to look like that again, sans the hideous early '90's shirt. So off I go to find a diet that doesn't consist of burgers and tacos. Any and all suggestions are appreciated, with one exception: No vegetarian/vegan diets. God made us omnivores for a reason, dammit.
Week of March 15th-
Weight lost: not a damn pound
Exercise: You're joking, right?

Damn, my attitude needs an adjustment.